Spoke too soon

I was just laid off and I am in complete shock and for once I have nothing more to say.

I'm totally bored with work and that is not a good feeling. I'm sick of doing administrative work when I could be doing so much more. And copyediting has to be one of the most boring tasks I have yet to encounter.  I wouldn't mind if I were copyediting a young adult manuscript, like when I interned at Simon and Schuster, but copyediting a math or a government textbook in Spanish is just tedious and gives me no self-fulfillment at all.  

I've recently started thinking about going for my MBA in writing or just taking online writing courses.  I wonder if I could continue my career as an editor in a bigger company and preferably in children's trade book publishing.  

My major in College was journalism and I was a really good writer.  I had potential.  All my professors said so.  So why am I here, with Bossman who makes me feel so useless, like a child, really?  It's my fear of failure come to haunt me again.  So what if the internship at S&S didn't go as planned.  I could try again.  We have Random House and Penguin and Scholastic and others.  Maybe now that I have more experience it will be easier to get interviews.  But God, how I do hate interviews.  

Today my Aunt asked me if I was pregnant. She looked at me square in the face when she asked me too. She wasn't trying to be mean. Titi is never trying to me mean, she is just bluntly honest and so obsessed with her and everyone else's weight that I could just binge eat and vomit.

I said, 'no, I'm not, I've just been eating more than usual and I'm feeling pre-menstrual so back off lady!' OK, so I didn't really say that last part. But an hour later, after the conversation was done and over with I mentioned, "I'm due to get my period soon and I get really bloated." She kinda says, aha and then proceeds to ignore me. I hate when people say, aha. It means that they are either, not paying attention to you, or just humoring you.

I tried on two skirts this morning to go to KH and they were both tight arount the hips. It is quite a shame because I was doing so well with my diet. I had skinny people coming over to me asking for dieting tips. And I was totally into it too. I would say, "do you have a pen? Let me give you the website that I use."

I try to tell myself that the reason that my cheeks look like two full moons has nothing to do with the amount of calories I put into my system and everything to do with my camera. I say this even when I'm stuffing my face quietly in the kitchen with Tostitos and all natural salsa. And tostitos would be fine if I just ate 7, like the serving size says. But I can't just stop at 7, I can't stop until I've inhaled the entire family size package. It's almost like I'm on a mission to finish the bag. And then the guilt begins...

Just to clarify, in case there are any doubts, I am not pregnant. My shirt was just a little big and so happened to bulge around the belly part. That bulge was all air and not belly fat, though I have plenty of that too (there are abs there too, some where).

I'm going to jump back on the eating green and treadmill runners bandwagon, just not this month. Some one mentioned jazzercise. Isn't that just dancing? I could totally dance, that sounds a lot more fun than walking on some treadmill.

Home sick

without the baby and the apartment all to myself...
the couch all to myself
the TV all to myself
No screaming baby
No checking work e-mail
Watching 90210 reruns and the hallmark channel for hours and hours
Alas, if I hadn't felt so bad it would've been a perfect day.
I hope I don't get a fever tonight or feel too bad come tomorrow morning, cuz I really should get to work and at least attempt to be productive. And I really don't want to have to go to the Dr. over a fever and a really bad sore throat, especially since I haven't been to a Dr. since I found out I was pregnant. That's almost 3 years ago, eek. I guess I was traumatized with all the blood they drew and I just don't like Drs.

Feeling ill

I'm feeling sick, waa...

It started last night and continued on to this morning.  And now I am sitting in the office eating chicken soup with carrots and I absolutely hate carrots, so I must be dying.

I don't even know what I have.  The right side of my throat hurts and my body aches and I have the chills (although not as bad as last night) and I'm feeling slightly nauseous (no, I am not pregnant), but that could be from the awful taste in my mouth.  

This morning I went from sleeping under two blankets, wearing a hooded sweatshirt, sweatpants and furry socks to completely naked in less than 1 minute.  Victor thought this was a green light until I growled at him.

 

Just a regular Sunday

Still haven't been able to get that urine sample for the pedi. Yesterday I went to the office and picked up more bags and cups. I think I got about 5 bags and 3 cups. So far two attempts have been made with the bags and all we have gotten is a few drops of urine. How frustrating is this, ugh. And this morning her urine smelled like ammonia, AGAIN.

Today we did a family trip to Target (I absolutely love these). We bought some basic things for the house and went looking for a baby doll for Aixah as she just loves to hold them and feed them and say, 'Baby.' We didn't find the doll but we did find the same blanket that she is attached too (you know, the stinky blankie). So now we have two, although she still prefers the stinky one to the newer, fluffier one.

And speaking of blankets, we bought the perfect one for us. I can't wait to go to bed tonight. This blanket is so warm and soft, just perfect since our apartment has been so cold lately. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight.

Our KH time has changed from 9:30AM to 1:00PM this year, so we hit Three Star early this morning for breakfast. It worked out perfectly and I was able to listen to the entire meeting because I was on a full, caffeine filled, stomach. You should've seen Aixah spoon feeding herself eggs with her left hand. She's pretty good at it too. Victor thinks she's ambidextorous (sp?) because she uses both her left and her right hand (she picks her nose with her right hand).

Bossman asked me if I wanted to come into the office tomorrow since it is a floating holiday. I don't want to but what can I do when everyone else already said they would go in (suckers). I guess it'll be better than staying here, trying to get Aixah to be pee in a cup *yanks hair in frustration*.

Here are some pics:

It's Finally beginning to feel like winter

...in our apartment.

Geez.

I have the hot water running in the bathroom hoping that it will heat up my tiny apartment. Victor says it doesn't do much but at least it makes me feel better (and possibly warmer).

Yesterday it was suppose to be the coldest that it's gotten this winter, but thankfully Aixah and I remained indoors, that is the good thing about having off on Fridays. Not that I'm not waiting anxiously to be put back on the clock real soon so I can start getting my full pay again, you know.

Thursday was a real blast. I was invited to go see a basketball game. At first it was suppose to be me and Aixah but then I decided to just go ahead and ask my mom to watch her for a couple of hours (thus breaking that awkwardness that we had). And I'm glad I did because that meant that I had the extra hands for my beer(s), hotdog(s) and all the screaming. I acted like a complete fool and absolutely loved it. It's good to act crazy every now and then.

Today I take Aixah to another Drs. appt. I feel like all I do is take her to the Dr. lately, what with the cold, fever, infected toes and possible UTI it has been medication and phone calls galore. At least she's happy again, that's all that matters.

Tequila

That is some strong, nasty stuff, but man...talk about feeling warm and fuzzy inside.  That's all I have to say.

Lemons

Aixah's urine smelled like ammonia this morning.  And I mean ammonia. Not good.  We called the pedi and he asked us for a urine sample.  He wanted us to have her pee in a cup.  Um yeah, if I could do that I wouldn't still be changing diapers, now would I?  So begins my Monday morning, Manic Monday for sure. 

Aixah's been sick and she hasn't really been eating much of anything.  If I go two days without eating that is fantastic news for my figure, but if Aixah goes two days without eating she starts to look like a cadaver, poor thing.  I tell you, if it's not one thing with these kids than it's another, why can't they just be healthy, please.

Things between my mother and I are really weird.  At least we are semi talking now, but man, it stinks to have your mother P.O. at you. Ah well, what's that saying, 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade,' or create a blog, seriously, great venting outlet.

As for other matters, Thursday, which was a huge funk day for me, a great friend met me after work and joined me for a pity party.  We had local beer and guacamole and laughed.  It felt good to just hang out, for once, I need my girl time, you know.

Saturday Aixah and I went to a friends house and did a little bit of everything:

Dance Revolution

Rock Band

Karaoke

I didn't leave their 'till 1:30AM and I only left after it was obvious that Aixah wasn't going to fall asleep until she was in her crib.  Aixah, the party pooper...lol

In other news, Bossman is back in the office.  He brought me back a book on Spanish accents (0h joy) and some hard liquor from Mexico.  The liquor has a worm floating in the bottle...eew.  He said, "this will make a gringo cringe."  And I said, "and a non-gringo too." I guess when I've exhausted myself reading up on accents and spanish structure and am just bored too tears I won't care what I'm drinking. But as of right now, no thank you.

Breaking up with mom

I have been dying to vent on here but last night I had wireless connection issues and then today I was busy at work with no time to update, but I am finally home, at 12:30 AM...

Here's the thing, last night, in the car, on our way home with my Dad, my mom, my husband and my daughter, my mother had the only outburst after I snapped at her over a blanket. It's really hard to explain but basically I was buckling Aixah in her car seat and my mom told me to grab her blanket like three times, so, very annoyed, I said (in Spanish), 'just give me a sec, ok.' And she flipped. Just went off about how I have this habit of disrespecting her. Victor was sitting all the way in the third row and he asked me what was wrong and if we were arguing. I'm like, 'yeah, she's flipping out over me telling her to hold on.' And then she really went all out and started yelling and saying how she wasn't my friend, or my Aunt, or a sister that she was my mother and as such I needed to respect her and that the next time I disrespect her [and now her voice gets really high-pitched and hoarse and it sounds like she's crying and she also looks like she's trying to climb over the passenger seat to reach me] she will smack me across the face...[at this point I think she's going to get an asthma attack or a panic attack or hyperventilate and I'm on the verge of tears and just confused on what in the heck just happened, you know?]

My Dad had to referee and told her to calm down and I honestly had nothing to say. The only thing I said was, 'what have I done to you today?' Absolutely nothing, but apparently she must resent me for something, right?

My mom isn't someone that cries and this is the third time that I have made her cry. And it really hurts. We aren't talking, which has NEVER happened before and my mom had my Dad call me today to ask how Aixah's appointment went. 'Very mature mom', says the daughter who felt like she was 10 years-old yesterday after her mom yelled at her in front of her husband...

I think the best thing to do at this moment is put some distance between us. I'm like, breaking up with my mother, how awful is that? And all I keep thinking is, 'mom, please don't die before we get past this.'

An Overall Fantastic 4 Day Weekend

I'm sorry, I've completely neglected my blog.  I am still here though, just working on some other things. I started writing again, fiction. But I won't share that, it's so fresh and choppy and just unedited.  I still dream with finishing a novel, one day, sigh.  I'm also reading other people's short stories and just really appreciating their writing and hoping that that can serve as a muse to me.

As for reality...

the non-fiction aspect of my life...

the oh-so-true, sensical, fathomable aspects of this day-to-day existence...

I am here and getting older and hopefully wiser, lol.

This past weekend was so much fun.  Thursday we had the family over.  My cousin and her husband visiting from Germany and then my other cousin and her two kids visiting from Spain. We had a nice dinner and no alcohol because since my mother doesn't drink she thinks that no one else does either, *proceeds to roll eyes*. But she made coffee and coffee always makes everyone feel good, especially caribbean coffee.  We passed the time watching videos on a projector that my father had stored up in his closet for 25 plus years.  We laughed so much and Aixah was so excited and kept on pointing and saying, "baby," the baby being my older cousin and me.  I thought it was so cute that she was totally into the video.

Saturday and Sunday was our convention and boy was I wrong about Aixah.  She was so well-behaved and everyone was so helpful, offering to watch her every now and then.  She even managed to nap for about an hour in the Sat. meeting.  The experiences that you hear are so refreshing.  I think the one that touched me the most was about the sister remembering the death of her father and how great of a husband and a father he was and just a god-fearing man altogether.  I think she made a lot of us cry in the audience.

Sunday afternoon we went out to eat with a group of friends at a steakhouse called, The Living Room.  Aixah came with and again she was well-behaved even though she is getting a cold and hadn't napped all day that day.  She ate veal and shrimp and calamari and lobster.  Our urban baby is all about exquisite dining.  I have to post a family picture.  It makes me giggle everytime I see Aixah with the roll of bread in her mouth.

Todays word of the day is, 'Frumpy'

Well, it's Friday and I should be doing a million and one things today (like laundry, for starters) but all I want to do is veg on the couch and read, write, play a little video games. I just settled Aixah down for a nap and she should be good for about 3 hours, so that gives me three hours to:
a. veg in the couch
b. do laundry
c. veg in the couch and feel guilty afterwards
Ugh...

I feel like this weekend quickly approached me. This weekend being the weekend of our circuit convention. I still need to see about getting cold cuts for our sandwiches (the preferred option for lunch), what snacks and toys I will bring Aixah to distract her during the 6-hour meeting in which I know she will just behave terribly and I will come out looking like I was ran over by a truck several times and then stomped on by an elephant...so much for carefully choosing my outfits at Banana Republic, it makes no sense really if I'll be looking like roadkill afterwards. Which leads me to more vain stuff, like my hair and my eyebrows and my moustache, if you really must know. I had a tentative appointment today with a friend to get all of that taken care of (she runs a home business and she is also the only one I will let touch my eyebrows) but I totally forgot and now it is 3:30, possibly too late.

I'm seriously not this vain but I have been feeling frumpy lately. I shouldn't be feeling frumpy because I associate that with sweats, an oversized T-shirt and worn out sneakers, but I do. And I don't like it one bit. I'm thinking that maybe it's because I haven't worn heels since the summer. So I'm bringing out my heels tomorrow. But I know it also has to do with my weight. I'm not handling this weight thing very well. It seems like everyone and their mother suddenly lost an enormous amount of weight and here I am still lugging around baby weight...no fair. I'm also having a hard time controlling what I put into my mouth. Things like Chips Ahoy cookies go right in, one after the other. Now try feeding me baby carrots and I just might smack you across the head, I don't do well with veggies (I have no problem vegitating on the couch though, lol).

And to add to my frumpiness, I have my period which is equivalent to me bleeding to death and having to wear a maxi pad the size of Aixah's diaper and of course the terrible mood swings where I just want to smack everyone across the head. You just can't feel unfrumpy when you have a diaper in between your legs.