A Second Chance

Sorry, the title is a little dramatic...
So after yesterday I still needed something to wear for next weekends convention...oh, what's a girl to do?
Well, after KH and after brunch and after placing Aixah down for a nap, I ventured into the city by myself (Victor stayed with Aixah). I went to union square and fifth avenue, a shopaholic's haven and this time I remembered to bring my purse.
There's, lets see (off the top of my head): Banana Republic, Gap, Gap Kids, Kenneth Cole, Juicy Couture, Zara, Aldo, H&M, etc., etc., etc.
I spent most of my time in Banana Republic. Two hours and three fitting room trips later I came out with two skirts, 1 blouse, 1 sweater and a very big smile on my face. I stepped into Zara and got two v-neck sweaters for work...just because they were really cheap and because shopping makes me happy...oh, and yes, obviously I need them for work. I stepped into Gap Kids but I wasn't too impressed with their selections. It looked like the moms had already come bustling in and bought off everything in the 12 to 18 month section, boo. But I did get her a few cute pieces and essential, of course! I was pressed for time and so I wasn't able to get Victor anything, but I will get you something, I promise, sweetie ;).

I love the city at night. I can not stress that enough. I can't wait to do this again...hint, hint...

A Shopaholic's Nightmare

Going to the mall and forgetting your *gasp...purse.

Yup, that was me, today. We went all the way to the Queens Center Mall to do some serious shopping for our circuit convention that is next weekend and I forget my friggin purse. I didn't forget the fried noodles that I was going to use to bribe Aixah to behave, I didn't forget my house keys, or my cell phone, or Aixah's stinky blankie but I forget the ch$ ch$ng, ugh.

My eyes got all watery, what a waste of a perfectly decent shopping day AND all the amazing after Christmas sales on top of it all, waa...

I was with my Dad, my Mom and my Aunt and my Dad just kind of rolls his eyes like I left my purse on purpose so that he could buy me something. My mom is looking at me with this sad expression because at this moment I am desperately fishing in my pockets. I come up with two 20s, three singles, and about 4 dollars in quarters. This may be enough to buy a layering tee and some hoisery and a snack at the food court. I really want to cry.

My Aunt is just kind of laughing. She's in her own little world. But then she says, all happy, "well...you can do some window shopping...

Window shopping...WINDOW SHOPPING...lady, are you crazy? I'd rather get a colonoscopy than go window shopping.

And then she mentions...and why people mention this at the most inopportune moment I will never know...do you want to have more kids now, Rubie? That question really drives me up a wall. I always try to reply with something sarcastic, like, No, way, I hate kids, I'm looking to give mine away, interested? Or, nah, I love kids, I may stop at number 6, do you think that's too much, well, how did you manage? Ugh...people, please stop bashing FTM (first time moms) we have feelings too!

Anyway, I call Victor as a last resort, with this crazy idea that maybe he can swoop into the mall and drop off a couple of hundred dollar bills. Apparently, Victor wasn't very excited about swopping any where since he worked all day yesterday and all day today (and is still working, mind you). In fact, he was very insulted by my phone call. Geez, some superhero he is...

So now I'm home, managed to afford a greenish merino wool sweater at Banana Republic and a decent cup of coffee and that is all, sigh.
Guess I'll be wearing that Michael Kors sweater, again, this weekend--boo.

(I'll be sulking now, thank you very much.)

The defiant one

So that whole blanket thing didn't go so well.  Aixah did a lot of crying.  Then she did some middle of the night protesting.  She decided she wanted the lights on in the bedroom.  So she went ahead and turned them on.  And I went to turn the switch off, only to have a very stubborn, angry, defiant, 1.5 year-old turn them back on.  Oh well, defeated I went back to bed.  And so we slept with the ceiling light, very brightly lit, all night.  Whatcha gonna do?

This morning, after retrieving the blanket from downstairs, I handed it over to Aixah.  You should've seen the happiness in this girls eyes.  She grabbed it, shoved two fistfuls in her mouth and proceeded to close her eyes, like she was totally ready for bed.  Boy, I don't even want to think about having to wean her from that.  Anyone up for the task?

Sunday thoughts

Last week we had a party at work. A little get together for those that have not visited the new office. My mother has been watching the baby and so I decided to be bad and stay a little late at the party. Late as in leave at 7ish. But I didn't mention this to my mom because I knew she would tell me to come straight home and pick up my daughter and I just wanted to have me time, no baby, just me. I got a little buzzed which is always fun because I giggle a lot and get all happy and I don't do it all the time, you know. peace, love and rock and roll.

I got in at 8 to pick up A. and all of my family was there visiting and a very angry mother who I proceeded to hug and pat her head, I think, lol. She kicked me out right away and didn't even offer me dinner, which was fine because I was in..you guessed it--the best mood ever!

That was Thursday. And then Friday it snowed. Beautiful, I absolutely love the snow when it first falls on the ground. It's the kid in me that gets so excited. I was secretly hoping to get snowed in. When I left work, at about 6, it had stopped snowing but the ground was so slippery. I was walking very carefully, wouldn't want to slip and fall, you know. It's not like in the movies where you fall and some goodlooking guy comes to your rescue. Two winters ago I slipped on a patch of ice and fell and all I had was an old Russian lady watching me try to get up and I was PREGNANT! So ladies, please, don't try to break your leg this winter, you'll have better success with match.com.

Let's fast forward to this weekend. Not just this weekend, this very moment. I am listening to Aixah cry her little heart out. She is simply devastated because she doesn't have her blankie, eek. Sure, she has 5 other blankets but not the blanket. Aixah's dependency on that stinky blanket is getting out of hand. That blanket is, as of right now, sitting in a dryer downstairs in the basement. As crazy circumstances go, the super (that jerk), closed the basement on me. So I'm sitting here listening to her cry and wondering if I should put on my ipod to drown the noise. Maybe I should because the screaming is getting louder.
Lets hope that we all get through tonight.
And I guess that tomorrow I should place an order for 3 of those blankets from babies r us.

An update, reflections and a funny aside

I’m in an incredibly good mood today and I don’t know why, but what a nice change from the last couple of days.  You can always tell when I’m in a good mood too; I just can’t stop talking.

I think I need to update my readers (lol, totally full of myself today) on what has been going on.  I’m writing this in a word document because, for some very annoying reason, I can’t access my blog.  I am hoping that this is only temporary because I really need this outlet.

First off I went to KH last night and Aixah was amazing.  But she was amazing because she wasn’t with me (not ideal, but I’ll take it).  She went from one person to another and I was able to listen to the meeting for once.  This is great.  If anyone knows me I have a very short attention span.  If I’m hungry I will think about food, if I’m tired my mind will just start thinking about nonsense, if someone gets up to go to the bathroom I will follow them with my eyes.  It’s an awful habit that I have to break. 

On another note, I met with Bossman yesterday and we did some bonding, which is a little scary considering that his very presence makes me become all defensive and sarcastic.  We met in regards to a presentation that we will be doing today.  My part is quality control—please don’t ask, I’m still trying to figure this out, I only have a few hours left.

So it turns out that Bossman mentions that I am a good writer which is totally strange and random since he hasn’t really seen my writing, well, unless he has been reading my blog (and then I’d have to kill him, lol).  There isn’t much opportunity to be creative in this company but the few times that they have asked me to write something or create something I have done a good job.  Anyway, the fact that he appreciates my writing just makes me open up and I start talking about College and the classes I took and the Professor’s that bored me to tears, etc.  He likes this conversation because he is a Philosophy Professor at Rutgers University.  I tell him that I hated Philosophy.  This conversation continues and soon we are laughing and talking like old friends.  And then he does something that always makes my co-worker and I freak. He flexes his muscle.  He does this all the time but only with me or my female co-worker; slightly disturbing no?  I think about asking him, ‘Why do you always do that thing with your arm?  Is that a twitch or something? Should I be impressed?'  But I think better of it.  We are not that cool.

On another note, I have been dreaming, a lot.  I’ve always been a dreamer and a lucid dreamer at that (you know, those people that wake up in the dream and can control the dream—totally cool and intense).  And don’t worry, I studied that in psychology, it is nothing paranormal, lol.  

Two nights ago I dreamt that all my friends were going on a trip to Belgium but that I wasn’t invited.  The whole dream was just sad and frustrating for me because I wanted to go on this trip and couldn’t understand that my friends didn’t want me to go because I had a kid.  None of my friends have kids. So here I am in this dream, feeling like I'm 10 and isolated and like I have the cooties or something.  Not a good feeling for a just-turned-27-year-old. Or maybe it's frustration from the fact that we can't go on vacation as a family because Victor's business won't permit. 

Then last night I dreamt that I met up with a cyber friend and her son from my pregnancy forum at Grand Central Station.  We went shopping and then we had coffee at a little shop.  It was nice.  And it was, again, a reflection on my social life and…I don’t know…my feeling kinda lonely?  Does that make sense?  It's OK to feel lonely, right?

Sorry, this whole post has been about reflections and more for me than anyone else. But if I can't go into a longwinded rant about myself in my own blog then where can I?

Privacy, at last

So, who knows what the work situation will be like in the next few weeks, but for now, I am loving the cubes and the privacy and space that I have.  Last week Bossman and I were skyping (IM) each other and he called me over to his office for the third time within a two minute period and I rolled my eyes or snickered or both, bottom line is that he was staring right at me (his office is directly across from my desk) and we had no partitions at the time.  Oops!  I tried to change my grimace to a smile real quick but he's not that clueless, you know.  But not anymore. I can take a nap here and no one would ever notice.  If you can call a cubicle cozy then that's the perfect word to describe how I feel right now.  All I need is a pillow and a blanket and someone rubbing my feet and I would be all set.  

I Need a Happy Pill

I have been so down in the dumps. I've been miserable most of the weekend, some of Friday too, I think. I don't think I've mentioned this here before, but Aixah has a horrible infection on her feet, especially her left foot. She is on an oral antibiotic for the next two weeks and a burrow solution if we can ever find it, to help with the oozing. Yes, there is oozing and blood and my poor girl is limping, :(. She doesn't really complain though and it doesn't stop her from doing car wheels and sumersaults, but I am still sad, especially that I let it get so out of hand before actually bringing her to the Dr.

I'm home with her today because of the 'babysitter' issues and because my mother refused to watch her today...how awful is that? But I will be going into work from Tues. to Fri...yup, I'll actually be in the office on Friday, that was Bossman's request.

I took some pics of Aixah's feet, just to compare if they actually get better. I warn you, they are pretty gross. And they actually look worse in person.

Emotional Breakdown or whatever you want to call it

I had a small and brief emotional breakdown last night after KH.  Aixah behaved terribly during the meeting.  She was worse than an animal, no, wait, animals behave better than my daughter did last night.  

We are trying to discipline her to behave, or at least to remain in her chair during meetings and some days are better than others.  But I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, my menstrual cycle being all wacky and a lot longer than it was pre-pregnancy or the fact that I had my mother nagging and nagging and being whiny...it was awful and I just wanted to freeze time and I don't know...maybe tape my mother's mouth shut and tape my daughter to her chair, is that illegal?

I just get really frustrated.  When Aixah makes me lose my patience I just feel all guilty and like this awful incapable mother.  I think I'm stressed out because I will be babysitter-less until Jan., my sitter went to PR this morning and my mother is watching Aixah for this week.  But then for the next two weeks I need to find someone to watch Aixah because my mother won't do it.  Can you believe that?  Since I was 14 my mother watched other people's kids but now she won't watch mine?  I don't want to resent her for this but I do.  At the same time I know that I can't leave Aixah with my mother if I want to keep my sanity.  Do you know what it's like to come home after an 8 hour shift and an hour commute on nyc transit during rush hour and then having your mother complain how...the baby didn't sleep, she was tugging at the curtains, she almost broke her skull on the edge of that glass table, and (this is the one that gets to me) I haven't been able to eat all day...WHAT?  You've got to be kidding me, seriously!

Then my mother does some sort of roll call where she lists all her ailments:

gallbladder stone

facial paralysis

heart palpitations

shortness of breath

some random burn on her finger

the laxatives she hasn't been able to take because she can't use the bathroom while she watches Aixah...

I don't want to sound insensitive but I think my mother likes to exaggerate and it stresses me out.

So anyway, back to last night.  By the end of the meeting I wanted to teleport myself and Aixah back home and just drop her in the crib and close the door.  People were saying hi to me and it was just obvious that I was in the worst mood ever--I hate when I do that.  One sister told me that I had to be patient and to look at her as an example because she had three kids.  This really annoyed me, I hate to say.  It was like the icing on the cake.  I felt my eyes getting watery and I had to look away.  She has three kids, one of which is 16 and takes care of the other two, so please, lets just leave it at that.

I managed to make it to the elevator of the apartment before I burst into tears.  Victor met me in front of the elevator and he was so concerned.  I must have looked like such a mess.  Once we got home Victor took over and put Aixah to bed and she was my little angel child again, saying goodnight and waving.  All of the fits and tantrums and scratching of the face was simply her way of saying, 'mommy, I'm sleepy'--kids have such drastic ways of expressing themselves.

Work Update

I don't know where to begin.  I feel like I abandoned ship.  For one thing, it feels like the recession is finally reaching us.  Last week we had a meeting at work where all 4 employees (yes, we are that small of a company) met with the bosses and were told that we would receive a cut in pay.  We will be getting paid 8 hours less a week.  This is not good.  This is a 20% cut.  How awful.  Better than to be laid off, but still awful, you know?  I cannot lose this job.  We cannot be without insurance.  One of my co-workers already found a weekend job waitressing.  She is living out here on her own, moved from the West Coast two years ago. The cost of living in NYC is ridiculously high, how can you do it without a steady job?  And to go out looking for a job in your field, right now, is just...ridiculously competitive?  Is that even the right word? There are thousands of people on the street looking for work, at this very moment.  So it's basically a matter of getting in line and waiting your turn and settling  for a cut in pay.  Oh well, what can you do?  I will not concern myself with things that have not taken place yet.  But this I will say, I do not want to have to do retail--I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  My customer service skills are poor and people are just, overall, mean.

I do, however, have to watch my spending.  Especially my work week spending.  I have decided to skip the $4 dollar latte and have a .75 cent coffee instead.  Not as luxurious or as good as a latte but it makes me feel better to know that I am saving something.  Victor would be proud and appalled all at the same time.

So this 8 hour cut from work means that I will be completely off on Fridays.  This is good.  I can schedule all of our doctor's appts. for then.  Victor also suggested that I should take driving lessons on Fridays too.  What a great idea!  Can you imagine me, driving?  What a hoot!

 

  

Peter Parker sighting on NYC subway station

I rode on the train with Peter Parker last night.  The pre-spider bite, dorky, pimple stricken, awkward, Peter Parker.  The guy looked just like Tobey Maguire, he had his glasses and he even set his jaw the same way.  It was rush hour and we were sharing the same pole and I basically stared at him for the duration of my ride home.  I wasn't staring in a, 'OMG, I love you, Peter Parker,' kind of way, but more of a fascinated, 'has anyone ever told you that you look just like Peter Parker', kind of way. Anyway, if I'm going to crush on any comic book hero it would have to be, hands-down, Clark Kent.  I've loved him since I was five.