We are trying to discipline her to behave, or at least to remain in her chair during meetings and some days are better than others. But I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, my menstrual cycle being all wacky and a lot longer than it was pre-pregnancy or the fact that I had my mother nagging and nagging and being whiny...it was awful and I just wanted to freeze time and I don't know...maybe tape my mother's mouth shut and tape my daughter to her chair, is that illegal?
I just get really frustrated. When Aixah makes me lose my patience I just feel all guilty and like this awful incapable mother. I think I'm stressed out because I will be babysitter-less until Jan., my sitter went to PR this morning and my mother is watching Aixah for this week. But then for the next two weeks I need to find someone to watch Aixah because my mother won't do it. Can you believe that? Since I was 14 my mother watched other people's kids but now she won't watch mine? I don't want to resent her for this but I do. At the same time I know that I can't leave Aixah with my mother if I want to keep my sanity. Do you know what it's like to come home after an 8 hour shift and an hour commute on nyc transit during rush hour and then having your mother complain how...the baby didn't sleep, she was tugging at the curtains, she almost broke her skull on the edge of that glass table, and (this is the one that gets to me) I haven't been able to eat all day...WHAT? You've got to be kidding me, seriously!
Then my mother does some sort of roll call where she lists all her ailments:
gallbladder stone
facial paralysis
heart palpitations
shortness of breath
some random burn on her finger
the laxatives she hasn't been able to take because she can't use the bathroom while she watches Aixah...
I don't want to sound insensitive but I think my mother likes to exaggerate and it stresses me out.
So anyway, back to last night. By the end of the meeting I wanted to teleport myself and Aixah back home and just drop her in the crib and close the door. People were saying hi to me and it was just obvious that I was in the worst mood ever--I hate when I do that. One sister told me that I had to be patient and to look at her as an example because she had three kids. This really annoyed me, I hate to say. It was like the icing on the cake. I felt my eyes getting watery and I had to look away. She has three kids, one of which is 16 and takes care of the other two, so please, lets just leave it at that.
I managed to make it to the elevator of the apartment before I burst into tears. Victor met me in front of the elevator and he was so concerned. I must have looked like such a mess. Once we got home Victor took over and put Aixah to bed and she was my little angel child again, saying goodnight and waving. All of the fits and tantrums and scratching of the face was simply her way of saying, 'mommy, I'm sleepy'--kids have such drastic ways of expressing themselves.
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